venting

Hello everyone! I wanted to come on here and vent about the ongoing battle inside my mind in 2019. It's been a weird year and a year of realizing that I am lost. For me 2019 I spend trying to figure out what I want and who I am. In 2018 I lost someone my whole life was around. I didn't know what to do and I still don't know. I sit here (very sick btw) writing this crying because I've never felt so off track and lost. I feel like a failure even my own brother told me this and that hurt me so much. I am disappointed in myself but I really do want to change things around. I finally told myself that it is okay to feel like this. I don't allow myself to feel anything ever because I get so scared. I just want people to know that no I am not okay but I just have myself and I have to do things for me. I was in a relationship for 7 years and was so caught up with this person's issues that I never did things for myself. I hate that I am dragging this person because they are dead but I can't hide the fact that I was in a toxic relationship. I gave so much to this person and dug a hole that very hard to come out of. I've decided to take a pause on my schooling this last semester because I was just going to school just to go... I lost sight of what I want. I still do not know what I want to do with my life and that makes me very scared. I just feel hopeless and lost at the moment like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I don't even know what I like anymore. 2019 has been a whole mess and I think it's time for me to stop just feeling sorry for myself and change. I am not a fan of change I hate it!!! I see everyone graduating and just feel so sad cause I know that could've been me if I wasn't trapped in a toxic headspace with a toxic person. I am starting all from square one and it sucks because I feel like I am so old and everyone has their life together except me. I feel like I'm repeating myself but I just hate feeling this hopeless. At the end of the day, I keep having to tell myself that it's okay I will figure it out and everything happens for a reason. I don't like putting time constraints on anything because it gives me anxiety and I start to dwell on it. People tell me it's all about baby steps but with my mental health and what I've gone through I just want to skip to where everything is okay...
2019 was a mess but there were good moments like traveling and experiencing different states and meeting people and starting to feel a bit happy again and getting myself back. I also found a love for indoor cycling! I know crazy and sounds fucking white as hell BUT it's fun and an escape for me... I am not an athletic at all but it's something about just disconnecting for 45 mins with some bops in the dark that is fun for me. It's all about finding myself again. I hope that no one ever loses sight of who they are because at the end of the day you only have yourself. Don't ever forget that!!! It's not selfish to take care of yourself and I learned that this year.